An Open Letter to the UN CSW57 Practicum Cohort

 
To the women of WILPF's 2013 UN practicum,
Ninety-six hours ago I met you, 72 hours ago I shared my practicum and trajectory experience with you, 48 hours ago I saw your faces in the audience as I presented (and received amazing support – thank you!), and less than 24 hours ago I was drinking, eating, laughing with, and listening to you settling into the workings of the UN CSW as we celebrated at the NGO reception. An out-of-character early morning rise and a three hour flight later, and I am back in Houston, away from it all.
And this is what it’s about.
After I write this, the rush will have ended. I do not have to put on my coat and run across the street to UN headquarters or the UN Church Center. It is not expected that I will have the opportunity to run into, let alone have coffee or wine with, an internationally influential advocate, policy maker, or scholar on a daily (sometimes hourly) basis the way I did hours ago. I don’t have my pick of lectures, protests, awareness events, marches, or rallies for a good two weeks. I will not have a debriefing guided by amazing women this evening to process what I have taken in today. I won’t go home to a like-minded or similarly-experienced roommate who is, at this shared moment, growing, learning, and trying to figure it all out with me. Tomorrow, I won’t wake up to the indescribable and unique energy of the city I love that invigorates me to continue on this narrow, thorny, winding, unbeaten path that I sometimes feel I’m barely crawling upon.
I’m back in the grit of my current reality. I’m back to daily research, reports, and experiences of issues that some consider unthinkable, disgusting, petty, senseless, or even insignificant and ridiculous. I am in my office on my computer reading about or assessing data on heroin, AIDS, human trafficking, immigration policy, conflict, and displacement – all affecting my community, Latina/os – and wondering how what I do today could ever help mi gente obtain equity in the future. I will submit my dissertation report with the usual odd feeling of knowing I will soon be one of only 4 Latina PhDs that I know. I will grade papers wondering if my students grasp that they will soon graduate and play a role in a fight that is overwhelmingly bigger than them. I will respond to emails from legislative aides thanking me for information or giving a reason why they’re against a bill. I will contact my team regarding cases to follow up on when we stand on street corners talking about broken fingers, hunger, or working at gunpoint with Latinos who thought life would be better here. I will literally and figuratively help a Latina navigate the social services she was promised as I drive her to appointments, translate brochures, call case workers, or watch and play with her baby as she tells me how proud she is of her job as a fast food cashier because what little money she makes is all hers and for her baby. This, and then some, is my routine.
Yet as I step back into my grind, I continue to process my experience at UN CSW57. On a personal level, it was great. I had interviews, meetings, networking and gave a presentation that I hadn’t before. But this year I was honored to be with all of you. Being on WILPF’s practicum oversight committee, this was a long time coming for me: It was our work, heart, struggles, and efforts coming into fruition as I saw your applications become who you are. I briefly met some of you, really got to talk and go out with others, offered to mentor a couple, but got to speak to and advise all of you. As you continue into the next half of CSW57 and then step back into your own daily grind in a few days, my advice to you remains: Be critical.
Be critical of what you hear. ECOSOC Resolution 1996/31 is the genesis of how non-governmental organizations working on human rights and women’s issues now convene for the UN CSW. For the most part, what you are listening to in these meetings and presentations is the work, agendas, goals, and thoughts of NGOs that may have to fight for resources, fundraise, have religious affiliations, possibly not have the support of their governments, etc. Listen and ask what exactly is being said. Ask whom these words are addressing. Ask to whom the voice belongs.
Be critical of what matters. You are here because what the UN, the CSW or both represent mattered to you. So is everyone else. You might feel overwhelmed by asking what the purpose is. Don’t. That’s nothing any of us are responsible for knowing right now. Ask what matters to the UN. Ask what matters to the CSW. Ask what matters to those you meet. The answers could range from involvement in an international resolution to networking to learning. None of you are expected to do all of these things. It will be what you will make of it. Ask what matters to you at this time.
Be critical of emotion – the overwhelming or lack thereof. I have learned to explore intentions and be aware of agendas, which really have nothing to do with how things seem. You will see leaders discuss unthinkable issues without batting an eye along with those who can’t speak without crying. You will hear the suffering cry in pain, anger, and joy along with those that recount the experiences matter-of-factly. You yourself will react with thoughts or feelings taken personally or empathizing along with moments of boredom or disinterest. None of these instances conclusively define who any of you are, the work you do, or things you’ve encountered. Ask what the intention of the message is in all of these instances. Ask how much space should be given to emotion and to the actual message.
My closing message to you is the same, but now a request rather than advice: Be critical of your role.
Though this can be applied internationally, I address you all as university women in the states. I have learned – through heartbreak, resignation, frustration, anger, and resistance – that there are plenty of people who will not listen to what I have to say because I am Latina. Or a woman. Or young. Or single. Or childless. Or strong-willed. Or independent. Or of a dissenting faith. Or from a disadvantaged background. Or even too critical. I am grateful that “others” who have these privileges and opportunities that I don’t saw my worth and were supportive. There was a need in many of our histories for the “others” to speak up for us. At times maybe that support of speaking up is still needed. But I do not see a need – nor do I want – to be spoken for. Intentions may be good and hearts may be in the right place but neither of these things equal being right or just. Yes, feel free to listen to the issues, be angry at the injustice, cry with the suffering, rejoice with the victorious, and be supportive of the ongoing battles. But be critical of your role in these processes. What you feel you could or should do may not be what is needed by those in the struggle – which is something that you may never really grasp, no matter how much you sympathize. I am fully aware that I am a light-skinned, American-born, educated Latina. I am aware of differences varied throughout my people, community, and culture. I am aware of the responsibilities, expectations, limitations, worth, and struggles of my position. I know that I must speak up for other Latina/os who do not have these same privileges and opportunities because I know that there are some who choose not to listen to them otherwise. We all give credence to certain voices – those we admire, respect, or are just familiar with who have our immediate attention when they speak. We all ignore some voices – those we disagree with, do not understand, or have acquired an aversion to that we turn from. We all have selective hearing and, at times, we are earless. Assess your role – not only its privileges and opportunities but its place and limitations. Whatever you conclude your role is, never – EVER – think that it is to give a voice to the voiceless.  We should never acquire the ego that assumes injustice is happening because those who are suffering are silent. Be it through conflict, phenomenological trends, disparities, poverty rates, or violence – I assure you, they are screaming. Ask what they are asking for and then ask who is listening. Your role could be to give ears to the earless.
Grab all you can from this experience and take it with you. I trust that you will adhere to WILPF’s mission and bring your unique voice into its community. I hope that the ups and downs of this learning process aren’t forgotten when the energy, camaraderie, and feelings subside. Don’t be afraid to let some things go, but hold strong to what will transform you into what you are working towards or for. Be invigorated but step back into your reality with a new perspective – no matter what it may be – of what you are able and willing to do now. Either way, don’t be led by the rush or grit – life will give you too many of each for you to trust either.
My life feels like an endless commitment of meetings, appointments, deadlines, responsibilities, and – for good measure – scheduled happy hours with a select few who remain supportive and proud of what I feel seems to be so little in a world in which I want to do so much. But I love it. I chose this. It’s all I can think to do right now and I won’t give it up. I want what I have now seen is possible down this road – no matter how narrow, thorny, winding, or unbeaten. Hopefully someday another young woman will follow behind with a bit more ease.
Best wishes to you all,
Melissa I. M. Torres